If You're Going to Complain, Make It Worthwhile

I was poking around Explore Howard and the Columbia Flier's editorials the other day. I saw one from December 31, entitled "Time for developer to clean up undeveloped property." The writer, Jay Bonstingl of Wilde Lake, complained that WCI hasn't done anything to beautify the lot where the Plaza Residences were going to be/might not be in downtown.

Visible to all who come to Town Center, this large lot has languished for many months as a blemish in the heart of our otherwise beautiful city. Ground moving equipment was parked there for what seemed like years. Adjacent sidewalks are still torn up, and large strips of ugly black plastic attached to the chain link fence still flap in the breeze, day after day, week after week. The scene is reminiscent of an abandoned inner-city lot.

You gotta be kidding me. I live in downtown, run on the loop around the mall frequently, and pass this lot everyday. I don't even notice it. It's a nicely mowed, grassy lot with a plastic fence around it. Obviously, Jay hasn't spent a lot of time in the more abandoned parts of Baltimore.

What more do you want?

A forest? Then people would complain that their view of the mall is obstructed.

A playground? Oh no, that'd be a hazard for children.

This is one of the few cases where Dr. Forni's very obvious rules for behavior needs some reiteration.

Solciting Prostitution is Not Subject to PM Forni's Rules

Apparently, soliciting prostitution is "illegal" in Howard County. What a crock.

Howard County police charged 10 people with soliciting prostitution in Jessup Oct. 16 following an undercover operation along Route 1, county police said this week.

During the operation, female officers in plain clothes stood near the intersection of Washington Boulevard and Cedar Avenue -- identified as a problem area by citizens -- to determine whether they would be approached and offered money for sex, police said.

This totally goes against choosing civility, and several of PM Forni's 25 rules of civility.

What about rule 18, "Avoid personal questions?" How about personal questions like, "Are you soliciting a prostitute, sir/madam?" Those are pretty personal to me.

Or maybe rule 15, "Respect other people's space" - space to solicit prostitutes.

Then again, the raid reminds people of rule 21 - "Think twice before asking for favors."

PM Forni Chat with Washington Post

The WaPo rag had an online chat with PM Forni on Friday. Here's some of the lowlites:

Arlington, Va.: Is there really data that says we're less civil today than we used to be or is this just another "trend" built on anecdotes that the press loves to play up? If there really is evidence, what are the causes?

P.M. Forni: There is plenty of evidence that we are dealing with plenty of rudeness. Less civil than we used to be? Difficult to say for certain. Causes: anonimity, stress, lack of time, lack of restraint.

Way to answer the first question.

Here's a good one:

spot the err, OR: Dear Dan and P.M., I am extremely polite to everyone all the time. Why is everyone else so rude? I just can't understand why others are not as polite as I.

P.M. Forni: They may have not been trained in good manners. They may have less self-control than you do. They may be reacting to stress. They may shifting the burden of their insecurity upon you in the form of rudeness.

Then the real expert - the WaPo staff writer - steps in the talk about the real point of the question:

Dan Zak: Is this a trick question? Looking at life with an "I'm better than everyone" attitude ain't a good starting point. I'm no expert, but I think civility and politeness can't be preceded by haughtiness.

And that's exactly why I'm against this whole concept. The guy who is covering the concept knows it better than the guy who wrote the book.

Breaking Down the Civility Rules

According to Forni's book, here are the 25 rules of considerate conduct with a breakdown from yours truly.

1. Pay attention - Huh? I'm sorry, I was asleep.
   
2. Acknowledge others - I suppose that Forni didn't mean by whipping it out, but rather with a hello or a wave.
   
3. Think the best - The best of or about what? Is this supposed to be some call for everyone to be optimistic? What about realism?
   
4. Listen - Deaf people need not apply.
   
5. Be inclusive - I play in the HoCo kickball league. I definitely would not include some of those people in the league if I had my way.
   
6. Speak kindly - All the time? "Gee, that murdered in Wilde Lake sure is a family man."
   
7. Don't speak ill - We should probably just lump six and seven together. And from my above sentence, I should remove "murderer" since that term has ill connotations.
   
8. Accept and give praise - Not either/or?
   
9. Respect even a subtle "no" - No does mean no, unless following with "t normally."
   
10. Respect others' opinions - No matter how wrong someone is, they don't deserve to be ridiculed.
    
11. Mind your body - But, for God's sake, don't do it in public. Like on the Fitness Trail off of Lake Kittamaqundi.
    
12. Be agreeable - Sure.
    
13. Keep it down (and rediscover silence) - Merriweather Post Pavilion says Hi.
    
14. Respect other people's time - Hold on a minute while I think of something.
    
15. Respect other people's space - We have a list of crimes dedicated to this rule. It's not ground breaking.
    
16. Apologize earnestly - I'm sorry for writing this blog.
    
17. Assert yourself - Wait! No I'm not!
    
18. Avoid personal questions - Like, "Have you ever seen a dead body?"
    
19. Care for your guests - I guess I will put that smallpox blanket away now.
    
20. Be a considerate guest - A perfect illustration of this is burping aloud after a great meal.
    
21. Think twice before asking for favors - The lesson is that hiring a prostitute is still against the law, even if it's called a favor.
    
22. Refrain from idle complaints - I hate having to pay $4/gallon for gas.
    
23. Accept and give constructive criticism - You suck. No, I do not suck.
    
24. Respect the environment and be gentle to animals - Kicking a dog is out, huh? Ooookkkk...fine.
    
25. Don't shift responsibility and blame - Don't tell me what to do. You're the one who made the list.
    

PM Forni Got Beat Up a Lot in School

If he tried antics like what he advocates in his book, like this:

An example of the user-friendly advice in The Civility Solution for dealing with such sticky situations is "The SIR Sequence," Forni's shorthand for "state, inform and request." Namely:

• State the facts.
• Inform the other person of the impact he or she has had on you.
• Request that the hurtful behavior not be repeated.

"Do so politely, firmly, and unapologetically," Forni says. "And do it sooner rather than later. You will be more effective and won't have to dread doing it in the future."

For example, if someone cut in front of you in line at the supermarket, you can tell them that they did that, let you know that it pisses you off, and tell them to not do it again. By the time you do that, they've unloaded the cart and they won't have to do it again.